A Dream is A Wish Your Heart Makes

I had a dream the other night about my cousin Kayla. In my dream I had come home to find Kayla sitting in my room – all hooked up to her many machines that were keeping her alive. I was so shocked to see her because even in my dream I knew she had already died. I kept asking her what she was doing there and how had she gotten there. I was so shocked that I couldn’t sit still in my dream – I kept fluffing her pillows and holding her hand.

Kayla was her usual silly self in my dream – telling me that she was so tired but couldn’t go to sleep. She also asked me to rub her feet because they were cold. I went to the end of the bed and removed her socks and she was still decaying – there were worms in her feet and they were kind of purple. I was too scared to bring up the fact that she was dead because she might have disappeared. I just keep doing whatever she asked me to do. Kayla asked me to fix her a sandwich and as I was leaving the room I kept telling her to not leave the room.

I was so scared that if I left the room she would remember she had passed away and leave me. I ran out to make her sandwich and rushed back in yelling that I was coming. When I came back into the room she was still there – waiting for her food and watching Disney. These are things we often did together at the hospital and also while she was home. She kept asking me to go get her things in my dream – I didn’t want to leave the room but I had to make her comfortable. Each time I walked out of the room I had to make eye contact with her and remind her that I was coming right back.

The last time I went out of the room my alarm went off and I woke up – I was so upset that I woke up. I quickly tried to go back to sleep so I could see my cousin again but I couldn’t. I have been thinking a lot of Kayla recently because of the road trip I went on last weekend. I went to the Georgia Aquarium and everything I saw and did there reminded me of Kayla. The dolphin show, the South African penguins and even the huge manta rays. I just knew this was something Kayla would have loved to do – and I couldn’t stop talking about all the things we did on our trip to Disney.

I guess I had her on my mind so much that I couldn’t help but dream of her – I’ve been feeling like my depression might be coming back. I shouldn’t actually call it depression because I didn’t have to take medicines or see any doctor, but I did go through this funk. I felt that same anxiety and restlessness setting in over the weekend – I felt bad that my bitch vibe was rolling off of me in full force but I couldn’t shake that feeling.

I want to live my life all fully as I can because she can’t. I want to shake off the depression and loneliness that I have in my heart because Kayla would not want me to neglect the gift that I’ve been given. I know I have to try harder at life and not take it for granted but on days like today it’s hard not to sink down with this ship.


31 Day Blog Challenge

31 day blog

Currently doing this challenge – mainly on facebook BUT the ones I really like I’ll try to blog about here. I know I just started this account but due to sickness and pure laziness I havent really blogged that much.

Medical Bills

Health & Family

Corrections Appended: February 26, 2013

1. Routine Care, Unforgettable Bills
When Sean Recchi, a 42-year-old from Lancaster, Ohio, was told last March that he had non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, his wife Stephanie knew she had to get him to MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston. Stephanie’s father had been treated there 10 years earlier, and she and her family credited the doctors and nurses at MD Anderson with extending his life by at least eight years.

Because Stephanie and her husband had recently started their own small technology business, they were unable to buy comprehensive health insurance. For $469 a month, or about 20% of their income, they had been able to get only a policy that covered just $2,000 per day of any hospital costs. “We don’t take that kind of discount insurance,” said the woman at MD Anderson when Stephanie called to make an appointment for Sean.

Stephanie was then…

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Yellow Slug Reviews

Miss A Suzy needs no introduction

Bae Suzy is a Korean idol, actress, model and MC. She is a member of Miss A and is considered to be the Nation’s Little Sister (TM).

Suzy is widely considered to be among the prettiest, cutest, bestest idols by everyone. She is cute and her acting in Dream High is actually pretty decent. Her turn as Hye Mi had a depth and consistency of character that made me forget that her main profession is being a very pretty member of JYP’s last great girl group hope. She is an average singer but her popularity is undeniable and she eclipses her own group to a greater degree than Hyuna overshadows 4minute. She racks up popularity polls and endorsements like a parched dog laps water. And you know what? It’s hard to disagree. She’s damn pretty and a damn fine performer. Right now, Korea belongs to the new Nation’s Little Sister…

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The Birds & The Bees

We all know “the talk” or “the birds and the bees” – and it’s probably one of the most awkward conversations you could ever have with your parents. They either come in as educational as possible and give you the science of it all OR they are just as embarrassed as you are and have the hardest time talking about Mr. Penis and Mrs. Vagina and the crazy adventures they usually have together.

I honestly never had the official talk with my mom and dad – we all had this unspoken agreement that we would just not talk about it. I knew I didn’t need to be alone with boys who were not related to me and that if I had a baby I would be beat within inches of my life – these are things I was smart enough to just know. I had no idea how all these things went down of course – I mean I’d seen a nudie picture my friend brought to school heard guys talking about “doing it” but technically speaking I was very uneducated. I got the perverted jokes, I understood why they were laughing and I knew that there was about 100 different meanings for the world “thing”. I just was really unsure as to where things went and why some people sounded like they were crying but liked it?

Middle school is where puberty hits HARD – your body start reacting differently to the opposite sex. Boobs have sprouted, growth spurts have started, and squeaky voices have happened to almost everyone. I remember being in 6th grade and talking with my girlfriends about how we would handle our first periods and actually thinking we were so grown up as we tried to secretly pass pads to one another. Now I curse my uterus once and month and wish I was born a male sometimes just to avoid shark week every month. I also realized that holding a boys hand was all warm and fuzzy and kinda made me tingle if I really really liked him.

Through my middle school years is kind of where I picked up all my sexual education, no practice – just all in theory. I learned a lot from the older girls on the bus – or my friends with “cool parents” that let them have parties, drink and smoke. I also learned from my next door neighbor who had a crush on me and tried to describe how I made him feel at night when he was in bed?! So I really shouldn’t be surprised that my baby cousin, who is in 8th grade, had questions for me one weekend. Can you imagine sitting there in the room watching Korean music shows and she drops the “What does giving head mean” question on you?!

My initial reaction was to deliver a swift kick to the throat and maybe locking her in my closet for life BUT I decided in this day in age I’d rather arm her with the knowledge of all this gross stuff instead of her looking clueless among her peers. I mean let’s be honest – kids these days are way more advanced that I was back in the day. She had tons of question and some of them where good questions but it didn’t change the fact that it was awkward as hell. By the end of it I was still debating if I should home school her on a remote island far far away from boys or locking her in my basement like Cary Ann.

I honestly wanted to cry as I was giving her some knowledge – I mean I felt like her youth was slipping away. She wanted to know how would she know if she was a lesbian or not, some new slang that I had to consult the urban dictionary about and things like what was the difference between sex and gender…..kids these days are exposed to so many other things. I guess part of that is because we do have openly gay relatives in our family and we are LGBT supporters as well. She also has a friends in middle school who are openly gay and are accepted and not picked on about it – so it’s never really been a big deal in her eyes. Sexuality is something I explained would have to be discovered – some people know exactly what they want from day one BUT there are a few folks that need to try a few different flavors first. None of these were bad questions but I was kinda hoping that they would have come to me a little later.

I was okay with giving her information so that hopefully I can prevent her from getting her own TV show on MTV – or keep her mother from becoming a grandmother so young. I do draw the line at the point where she thinks we can chit-chat about experiences and swap stories. I let her know real quick that we are not friends that will sit around and have girl talk EVER. I almost punched her in the face when she asked me when was the first time I ever “finished”? I mean did she not shock me enough with the questions – now she was questioning my life? I had to let her know she was going to far IN MY BOOK. I’m happy to help her but I felt like she was out of line asking about my sex life.

I instantly regretted telling her the facts of life I don’t know if what I did was good or not – I’m questioning myself now. I’m glad she can come to me with questions and concerns but I don’t know if the information I gave her would keep her from having sex or will just fan the fire? Darn you One Direction, 2PM, Peeta, Justin Beiber and every other teen dream currently out in the world right now!!! You guys are making it hard for us to control these crazy teenagers!!!

Closing thoughts? Growing up is hard – and watching your younger siblings grow up is harder. I’d love to protect them from heartbreaks, fights, rude jerks, evil girls and everything else but I know I can’t. I can just help guide her to hopefully make the right decisions and how to handle whatever life throws at her as gracefully as she can. OR I can throw her in a small room and let her watch old episodes of The Brady Bunch and I might even throw in Full House if she’s good.


So my current obsession is INSTAGRAM – and to show how bad it is I will reveal and pretty desperate fact about me. I DO NOT own a smartphone, IPod or internet tablet of any kind. I know I sound like some sort of mythical creature that doesn’t exists in this day and age but for real y’all – I’M REAL. A fully grown adult woman with just a “old school” cell phone – nothing smart about my electronics. Now how does one person become addicted to Instagram without the necessary tools??? You bum off your siblings and cousins – the people that love you and won’t judge you for your problem.

In true crack head fashion – I find a way, EVERY DAY, to have my Instagram fix. I’ll use my sisters phone during our lunch outings, I’ll use my little brother’s phone when we’re at home and I’ll even use my MOTHERS phone if we’re just sitting around. Now pause and stop for a moment, did any of you catch what I just said?? My MOTHER has a smartphone and I do not….let me add to that….my FOREIGN MOTHER has a smart phone and I do not! Getting facebook pulled up for her is always an adventure BUT in my mother’s defense – she can kill you all in bejewled! SHO NUFF YOOOOO! Now before you point those judgmental fingers at me for being cheap, lazy or a data vulture………well actually you can point them right at me for all of those reasons. I convinced myself I did not want a smartphone and that I was better off without one? Why would I ever use it? I never listen to music! I don’t take pictures! You all can now point at me and yell “LIAR”, “CHEAP”, “GIRL BYE”(make sure you get your neck swerve on and that lovely hood accent please), “BEAUTIFUL GODDESS”…..okay so the last one was just something I’d like for someone to yell at me at the top of their lungs.

I don’t even know how it started – I was so anti-phone to begin with. I hated carrying the thing around with me and I really hated people calling me, if you guys have picked on the fact that I was very anti-social then I must ask what gave me away?! I also hated to be checked up on constantly I kinda liked to just drift around and do my own thing – don’t asked me why I was such a cold hard bitch – **sing in my best lady gaga voice** BABY I WAS BORN THIS WAY! Once I did finally get my phone and downloaded that Mario coin ring tone for my text messages – I realized how much fun a phone was. I got hooked on text messages, pictures messages and TWITTER. For a girl who hates being checked up – I sure did tweet a lot.

Then I moved onto Instagram because my sister got tired of having to show me the pictures she liked or thought was funny. She said she wanted to be able to tag me so I could see it when I finally got my own phone. So I said okay make me a profile and tag the f**k out of my name…..which she did. I found that my favorite hash tags so far are #seemslegit or #nailedit! I also LOVE the filters – they make me all pale and youthful! I started uploading a few pictures – and then by the end of the night I had almost as many pictures as my sister did – we’re talking about almost 100 pictures in 1 day! I didn’t see the world through regular eyes anymore – I saw them through Instagram filters.

If only they would let me Instagram through my computer then I’d be on that W.O.W level addiction – leaving only for pee breaks and food…maybe. Even as I type this – I want to take photos of me typing and put a cute filter and then hash tag that b***h like there is no tomorrow. I’m surrounded by cute things that would def get a couple of likes – I just know it would make that popular page! Okay I’m going to step away from my keyboard and go out into that thing called sunshine and get some much needed endorphins. Also my keyboard is starting to look like a Ruzzle board – I’ve already made a couple of words and I was wondering how many points they would have been worth

Yellow Slug Reviews

K-Pop acts live and die by the singles which they promote. For  reasons that are a little unique to the genre, from the never ending musical promotions which allow groups to showcase a single song ad nauseum for weeks on end to the importance of digital downloads in deciding group legitimacy and popularity. Yet, every now and then a group has a throwaway track in their album “filler” that is inexplicably better than the lead single. Here is a post dedicated to some hidden gems that I have actually gone through the trouble of hunting down and downloading instead of their much promoted lead singles.

Wonder Girls – ‘Me, In’ 

Off of the deceptively excellent Wonder World, ‘Me, In’ brings a hard edge and rocker sensibility to the soon to be disbanded Wonder Girls. ‘Be My Baby’ was good, but it’s cheery synths and standard composition could have been…

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In memory of Kayla Epoulipiy.

If you’ve read my previous post then you’ll know that I’ve recently lost my cousin to colon cancer. My co-worker is actually going to run a race to help raise money for cancer research – and he will be running in memory of my cousin. I’m just sharing the link incase anyone out there would like to donate. His goal is $500 and we’re almost half way there!! Any amount would be amazing – it’s all going towards research.

Kaylas type of cancer didn’t really have alot of information about it – we were left in the dark and had to deal with things as they happened. If we can get more research done maybe we can find a cure OR just a better way for it to be dealt with. So please CLICK THE LINK and donate!!!

I love Sistar 19

Korean Pop Lyricz

Hyorin | Bora

Everyday, Every night, nae mameul moleunchae
Everyday, Every night, neon naleul ullyeo wae

neoneun wae geuleohge maleul haedo molla (wae molla)
wae geuli babogati nunchiga eobtneunde (eobtneunde)
nado yeojainde neol salanghandago, subaek beoneul malhaeya hae
jeongmal igeon ani janha, dabdabhae juggesseo

neomu dabdabhae nae mami gabgabhae
neo eobsi buli kkeojin oneul bameun kkamkkam haeyo
neol bojamaja, (buleuleu) tteollineun nae mam (buleuleu)
eotteokhamyeon joha, Uh oh Uh oh

naega meonjeo jeonhwal halkka malkka
jeonhwagiman jakku sone jwieotda pyeotda
nae mami jeomjeom tteollyeowa, swit(yeoboseyo?)

salanghanda malhalkka, silhdago hamyeon eojjeoji
johahanda malhalkka, neo bakke eobtdago
salanghanda malhalkka, naega byeollolago malhamyeon, andwae, andwaeyo
jebal geu malmaneun haji malayo

ilaebwaedo yeojainde, maeum chakhan yeojainde
salang geuge jal andwaeyo(I don’t like that)
ilaebwaedo yeojainde, nunmul manheun yeojainde
salang geuge jal andwaeyo(I don’t like that)

Everyday, Every night, nae mameul moleunchae
Everyday, Every night, neon naleul ullyeo wae
Everyday, Every night,

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K.A.E #initialsofsomeoneyoulove


**I’m not a great writer – I just wanted to blog as an outlet of all my emotions – so sorry for the errors and lack of structure**

It’s going on 3 months now since we’ve lost Kayla. She had an epic show down with colon cancer that she fought beautifully until the very end. Her bright amazing spirit and cheeful attitude sometimes made me forget she was sick – but reality usually had its way of reminding me of her situation.

I guess I had taken our time for granted because she was always so cheerful about everything. She never really let us see how scared she really was. I regret not trying to talk with her about those feelings now. I did try but she brushed it off – saying “Oh I’m not going anywhere I have too many things I’m going to do once I get out of this bed”. I blindly accepted her lies – I think partly because I wished so hard for them to be true. I regret it now – I wish I could have comforted her more. Why did she have to be the strong one when she was the one going through all of this? I found out just how scared she was when I raided her tumblr page – needless to say I spent the rest of that night in tears.

We had originally planned to send her to West Virignia so that she could spend time with her grandfather. That was one of her last wishes because she had just lost her grandmother to cancer the month before. She felt bad that Pops was up there alone and decided that she wanted to be with him. Kayla was always trying to take care of people and animals – she always had a really big heart. I ended up staying the night with because I was going to miss her so much once she moved away. I spent the night talking with her about all the silly things we had done before she got sick and even looked through the photo albums we made for her. I really wanted to take the photos with her so she would have a piece of us with her up there West Virignia.

We noticed that her breathting had become very labored earlier that day and she was also taking pain medicine every hour. I guess we all kinda knew it was getting close to the end for her – she was in so much pain and she kept telling us that she loved us. She also started getting very attached to her mother – she did not want her mom out of her sight. It was such a hassle for her to talk with us but she would still tell us not to cry or that she loved us regardless of how hard it was for her. We took turns watching her just incase she needed us for anyting. Everything took a turn for the worse that early that morning around 4 or 5 because she stopped responding to us. We called her name out and all we could hear was her breathing. I called into work because I just had that feeling that was almost time and I also called all of our family to come and be with Kayla.

We spent the morning with the intention of her going to West Virignia in an ambulance – someone had volunteered to take her up there. Everyone came in and kissed her, hugged her and then just hung around…..my dad was too heartbroken just looking at her. He couldn’t be in the same room because it was too sad for him to see his niece in this condition. I now believe Kayla passed away earlier that morning when she stopped talking to us – but her body just kept going . She made this grunts everytime she exhaled – and that’s how we knew she was still with us.

The family was sitting around and when Kayla got quiet – she stopped making her noises and we all got really scared. Her mother came in and sat next to bed and kept calling out to her. We all started crying at this point – I wasn’t ready for her to become a memory yet. I knew she was suffering and I shouldn’t have been selfish to keep begging her to stay with me but I couldn’t help myself. I made selfish prayers and requests and asking any God that was listening to to please please please not take her. Asked them to give me more time with her – she wasn’t even 21 yet! I guess my request fell on deaf ears – because moments later she took her last breathe. Now the one thing I can’t erase from my memory is her mother yelling for God to take her instead and let her baby live and begging her to come back, like it would have made her wake up.

The rest of the day was a blur – I just remember them trying to drag me away because I went into hysterics. I clung to her leg and screamed at them to leave me alone – I just knew that if I stayed there long enough she would wake up. I felt like I was just in a horrible nightmare – or rather I was hoping it to be a nightmare. I kind of snapped out of it when my pregnant cousin collapsed next to me and my older sister also fell out. I called my cousin’s husband screaming about something before someone took the phone from me and just left me there. I can’t remember when I did finally get back up – I couldn’t bring my self to make eye contact with anyone. I hate it when people see me cry and I really hate to see people I love crying too.

I kinda just switched into auto pilot at that point, checking on people, making phone calls and more crying – I even helped the nurse wash Kayla and get some clothes on to her before the funeral home came to get her body. i knew her mother wouldn’t be able to do it – she had to go outside because she couldn’t look at Kayla anymore. I knew I couldn’t call her dad because I didnt wan’t to be the one to tell him that his baby girl was gone….when he called earlier that morning he kept saying he was sorry and that he loved her and kept calling out to Kayla but she couldn’t talk anymore. I let someone else contact him – because I would lose it again.

I wrote this blog today b/c I felt that crushing sadness creep up on me again today – that feeling you get that starts in your stomach and inches its way up to your chest. I felt nervous and out of place – like I was missing something. I lost it while taking a call at work – I had to get off the phone and cry. I realized that I have been holding everything in for a while now and trying to ignore the fact that I’m broken. I think the perfect quote to sum up with I’m tryng to say is from a John Green book, The Fault In Our Stars: “That’s the thing about pain…it demands to be felt” – Augustus Waters