I had a dream the other night about my cousin Kayla. In my dream I had come home to find Kayla sitting in my room – all hooked up to her many machines that were keeping her alive. I was so shocked to see her because even in my dream I knew she had already died. I kept asking her what she was doing there and how had she gotten there. I was so shocked that I couldn’t sit still in my dream – I kept fluffing her pillows and holding her hand.
Kayla was her usual silly self in my dream – telling me that she was so tired but couldn’t go to sleep. She also asked me to rub her feet because they were cold. I went to the end of the bed and removed her socks and she was still decaying – there were worms in her feet and they were kind of purple. I was too scared to bring up the fact that she was dead because she might have disappeared. I just keep doing whatever she asked me to do. Kayla asked me to fix her a sandwich and as I was leaving the room I kept telling her to not leave the room.
I was so scared that if I left the room she would remember she had passed away and leave me. I ran out to make her sandwich and rushed back in yelling that I was coming. When I came back into the room she was still there – waiting for her food and watching Disney. These are things we often did together at the hospital and also while she was home. She kept asking me to go get her things in my dream – I didn’t want to leave the room but I had to make her comfortable. Each time I walked out of the room I had to make eye contact with her and remind her that I was coming right back.
The last time I went out of the room my alarm went off and I woke up – I was so upset that I woke up. I quickly tried to go back to sleep so I could see my cousin again but I couldn’t. I have been thinking a lot of Kayla recently because of the road trip I went on last weekend. I went to the Georgia Aquarium and everything I saw and did there reminded me of Kayla. The dolphin show, the South African penguins and even the huge manta rays. I just knew this was something Kayla would have loved to do – and I couldn’t stop talking about all the things we did on our trip to Disney.
I guess I had her on my mind so much that I couldn’t help but dream of her – I’ve been feeling like my depression might be coming back. I shouldn’t actually call it depression because I didn’t have to take medicines or see any doctor, but I did go through this funk. I felt that same anxiety and restlessness setting in over the weekend – I felt bad that my bitch vibe was rolling off of me in full force but I couldn’t shake that feeling.
I want to live my life all fully as I can because she can’t. I want to shake off the depression and loneliness that I have in my heart because Kayla would not want me to neglect the gift that I’ve been given. I know I have to try harder at life and not take it for granted but on days like today it’s hard not to sink down with this ship.