**I’m not a great writer – I just wanted to blog as an outlet of all my emotions – so sorry for the errors and lack of structure**
It’s going on 3 months now since we’ve lost Kayla. She had an epic show down with colon cancer that she fought beautifully until the very end. Her bright amazing spirit and cheeful attitude sometimes made me forget she was sick – but reality usually had its way of reminding me of her situation.
I guess I had taken our time for granted because she was always so cheerful about everything. She never really let us see how scared she really was. I regret not trying to talk with her about those feelings now. I did try but she brushed it off – saying “Oh I’m not going anywhere I have too many things I’m going to do once I get out of this bed”. I blindly accepted her lies – I think partly because I wished so hard for them to be true. I regret it now – I wish I could have comforted her more. Why did she have to be the strong one when she was the one going through all of this? I found out just how scared she was when I raided her tumblr page – needless to say I spent the rest of that night in tears.
We had originally planned to send her to West Virignia so that she could spend time with her grandfather. That was one of her last wishes because she had just lost her grandmother to cancer the month before. She felt bad that Pops was up there alone and decided that she wanted to be with him. Kayla was always trying to take care of people and animals – she always had a really big heart. I ended up staying the night with because I was going to miss her so much once she moved away. I spent the night talking with her about all the silly things we had done before she got sick and even looked through the photo albums we made for her. I really wanted to take the photos with her so she would have a piece of us with her up there West Virignia.
We noticed that her breathting had become very labored earlier that day and she was also taking pain medicine every hour. I guess we all kinda knew it was getting close to the end for her – she was in so much pain and she kept telling us that she loved us. She also started getting very attached to her mother – she did not want her mom out of her sight. It was such a hassle for her to talk with us but she would still tell us not to cry or that she loved us regardless of how hard it was for her. We took turns watching her just incase she needed us for anyting. Everything took a turn for the worse that early that morning around 4 or 5 because she stopped responding to us. We called her name out and all we could hear was her breathing. I called into work because I just had that feeling that was almost time and I also called all of our family to come and be with Kayla.
We spent the morning with the intention of her going to West Virignia in an ambulance – someone had volunteered to take her up there. Everyone came in and kissed her, hugged her and then just hung around…..my dad was too heartbroken just looking at her. He couldn’t be in the same room because it was too sad for him to see his niece in this condition. I now believe Kayla passed away earlier that morning when she stopped talking to us – but her body just kept going . She made this grunts everytime she exhaled – and that’s how we knew she was still with us.
The family was sitting around and when Kayla got quiet – she stopped making her noises and we all got really scared. Her mother came in and sat next to bed and kept calling out to her. We all started crying at this point – I wasn’t ready for her to become a memory yet. I knew she was suffering and I shouldn’t have been selfish to keep begging her to stay with me but I couldn’t help myself. I made selfish prayers and requests and asking any God that was listening to to please please please not take her. Asked them to give me more time with her – she wasn’t even 21 yet! I guess my request fell on deaf ears – because moments later she took her last breathe. Now the one thing I can’t erase from my memory is her mother yelling for God to take her instead and let her baby live and begging her to come back, like it would have made her wake up.
The rest of the day was a blur – I just remember them trying to drag me away because I went into hysterics. I clung to her leg and screamed at them to leave me alone – I just knew that if I stayed there long enough she would wake up. I felt like I was just in a horrible nightmare – or rather I was hoping it to be a nightmare. I kind of snapped out of it when my pregnant cousin collapsed next to me and my older sister also fell out. I called my cousin’s husband screaming about something before someone took the phone from me and just left me there. I can’t remember when I did finally get back up – I couldn’t bring my self to make eye contact with anyone. I hate it when people see me cry and I really hate to see people I love crying too.
I kinda just switched into auto pilot at that point, checking on people, making phone calls and more crying – I even helped the nurse wash Kayla and get some clothes on to her before the funeral home came to get her body. i knew her mother wouldn’t be able to do it – she had to go outside because she couldn’t look at Kayla anymore. I knew I couldn’t call her dad because I didnt wan’t to be the one to tell him that his baby girl was gone….when he called earlier that morning he kept saying he was sorry and that he loved her and kept calling out to Kayla but she couldn’t talk anymore. I let someone else contact him – because I would lose it again.
I wrote this blog today b/c I felt that crushing sadness creep up on me again today – that feeling you get that starts in your stomach and inches its way up to your chest. I felt nervous and out of place – like I was missing something. I lost it while taking a call at work – I had to get off the phone and cry. I realized that I have been holding everything in for a while now and trying to ignore the fact that I’m broken. I think the perfect quote to sum up with I’m tryng to say is from a John Green book, The Fault In Our Stars: “That’s the thing about pain…it demands to be felt” – Augustus Waters